Worn Out & Hurt

The mid semester exams have taken a toll on me, physically and mentally, and the relationship that I am in has been draining me emotionally for some time now. I have gone numb; I can’t feel anymore. Or maybe not, because I still feel for him. Oh yes! I am so glad that the exams are over. A week off would have been appropriate. But nothing. I couldn’t even enjoy the weekend properly. Back to class and they are already talking about assignments and presentations. I wish I hadn’t enrolled for the Masters program. But now that I have begun, I’ve got to complete it, and I guess I will.

But this guy, what is he doing to me? Isn’t it so obvious that I am crazy about him? Then why is he so cold towards me? I thought we sorted out everything but apparently, something still lingers in his mind, something really bad. Is he scared of relationships? I know he has had a bad experience in his life and maybe it still hurts. But can’t he feel the love?

It’s been three days since we contacted each other (no texts, no phone calls). He said he was still on and that he had always loved me. Is this love? I am the one who is always taking the initiative. This time, I won’t. If he loves me, he’ll get back to me (You can’t even imagine how hard it is to not text you and not talk to you. You are torturing me, babe). We are playing mind games here. I want to show him how much it hurts to be ignored and I am hurting myself in the process. Now I know. Love is torture. Love is sadomasochistic. You hurt and you get hurt when you are in love.


"What kind of love is this that keeps me
Hanging On
Despite everything it’s doing to me
What is this love that keeps me coming
Back for more
When it will only end in misery."
(Sarah McLachlan, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Circle, Nettwerk, 1993)