I Am Free

It’s official. I am single again. After ten days of silence I relented and sent him a text to which he replied “This is why it won’t work. I am too independent, and you need more love. I’m sorry.”

Now it’s time to move on. Strangely, I feel tranquil inside. I guess I already knew that it was going to end like this. It was too good to be true. I was madly in love with him and ecstatic, and what goes up must come down. Gradually the realization dawned on me that he wasn’t feeling the same way I felt for him anymore. There was no passion, just ice coolness and indifference. So down I went.

Before him there was nothing. He was my first love. Even though we didn’t consummate our love, I believe we had something special going on (at least in the beginning). Why didn’t it work? Maybe our personalities were different. Like he said, maybe I was too needy for love. Maybe it’s the cultural difference. Who knows? All I know is that our destinies converged for a moment. But we weren’t meant to be.

The cord that bound me to him has broken. Blood has spilled out. But miraculously the healing has already begun. Now I see the world in a whole new light. The bright sun shines down on me. I can see the clear blue skies again. I feel stronger. Everything is perfect. Nothing can hold me back now. I am growing wings. I am flying. I am free.

Worn Out & Hurt

The mid semester exams have taken a toll on me, physically and mentally, and the relationship that I am in has been draining me emotionally for some time now. I have gone numb; I can’t feel anymore. Or maybe not, because I still feel for him. Oh yes! I am so glad that the exams are over. A week off would have been appropriate. But nothing. I couldn’t even enjoy the weekend properly. Back to class and they are already talking about assignments and presentations. I wish I hadn’t enrolled for the Masters program. But now that I have begun, I’ve got to complete it, and I guess I will.

But this guy, what is he doing to me? Isn’t it so obvious that I am crazy about him? Then why is he so cold towards me? I thought we sorted out everything but apparently, something still lingers in his mind, something really bad. Is he scared of relationships? I know he has had a bad experience in his life and maybe it still hurts. But can’t he feel the love?

It’s been three days since we contacted each other (no texts, no phone calls). He said he was still on and that he had always loved me. Is this love? I am the one who is always taking the initiative. This time, I won’t. If he loves me, he’ll get back to me (You can’t even imagine how hard it is to not text you and not talk to you. You are torturing me, babe). We are playing mind games here. I want to show him how much it hurts to be ignored and I am hurting myself in the process. Now I know. Love is torture. Love is sadomasochistic. You hurt and you get hurt when you are in love.


"What kind of love is this that keeps me
Hanging On
Despite everything it’s doing to me
What is this love that keeps me coming
Back for more
When it will only end in misery."
(Sarah McLachlan, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Circle, Nettwerk, 1993)

Love & Freedom

Here I am naked in the middle of the road, confused, misunderstood and emotionally violated. Is it wrong for someone to be truly in love? And when it’s your first love, it burns inside. The fire of passion!!! I wanted him to be there when he couldn’t and that’s all I did. It was not that I was being possessive. I could never be possessive because I believe in freedom; freedom of thought, freedom of souls, freedom from anything that binds you. So maybe I am not fit for love because love is bondage.

I was naïve. I failed to understand that people needed space and again, love restricts. Maybe I should let him be. But when you are being ignored, it hurts. Now I have a feeling that he has moved on and it’s over from his side. Then why do I keep on going back to him? Perhaps, I still love him. I could live with it if he would start hating me. But this indifference! It’s killing me. One mistake and you are done. That’s how the world is. You don’t get a second chance. Is that it? Is that what everything comes down to? Does everything have to be perfect? He said he would love me in spite of my flaws. But that’s what he said. What you say and what you mean can be entirely different.

But it has not ended, nor is it on. He has left everything hanging. I can’t go anywhere because it’s a cul-de-sac. I love him but I don’t know whether he feels the same for me anymore. If he doesn’t then maybe he should let me go. Of course, it will be devastating but I guess I will live through it. It’s better than this slow torture.

But if you are in then I tell you, no other man in this world could love you better than I. My love is true baby, and it’s heartfelt. Now you have to decide. It’s all up to you. Either you want me or you don’t. I know nothing in life is black and white. We live in shades of grey. But this time (for the sake of both of us) you have to dig deep in and see if there’s light or darkness.

Everybody wants to be free but still we all love to revel in love which keeps us from flying high. And I too, would rather be at my lover’s feet than be free (and alone).