“Michael is leaving for good."
My flatmate broke the news to me last night and for a moment everything ceased to exist. He was still talking but I wasn’t hearing anything and I sat there glassy-eyed unable to comprehend what was going on inside of me.
I hoped he would always be there (not that I took his presence for granted). I never thought about the possibility that he might leave one day. How naïve of me! I would look at him endlessly (surreptitiously) never knowing what was happening around me. Alright, he was painfully handsome. But what attracted me to him was something else. He oozed humility and kindness. Love emanated from his eyes, and his voice and words would wrap themselves around me. When he talked to me, my tough veneer would crack and all of a sudden, I would go weak. I felt naked when he looked at me. It felt like he could see right through me.
I beheld him and a few times I caught him looking at me but we never said anything. I had feelings for him and I sensed that he had feelings for me as well. But I guess both of us were never completely sure. He didn’t know that I was gay. Likewise, I didn’t have a clue if he were straight or gay. Maybe that stopped me. But the way he looked at me at times, I always felt there was something there. But again, was it just an illusion? Everything was so uncertain.
Day after day, this continued. I really, really liked him. He is one of those guys with whom you can spend the rest of your lifetime. Because you know he’ll always be there. It is not one of those silly crushes. For God’s sake, I invested so much emotion into it and I know I was stupid. But what can I do when he would just look straight into my eyes like I was the only one. Oh Mike, I felt strongly for you. I would have done anything to be with you. But I guess that’s a false claim because I didn’t tell him how I felt. I knew my feelings were real because there was nothing sexual about it. It was pure and complete.
Now he is leaving me forever, leaving me alone. It was you who helped me get over my ex completely (although you never knew about that). Your kindness and grace helped me get through it. And here I was about to fall head over heels in love and you are forsaking me! Don’t leave, Mike!! Stay!! We could be so much more than this.
I know it’s not possible now. We both missed our chances. We waited and waited not saying anything and now the time is up. And when I came up to you to say goodbye, did you know how much it hurt? Did you notice how quickly I just walked away? And I’ll never see you again; will never see those eyes, hear that voice. But love, you’ll be here inside of me, in my memories (bittersweet), always.
